The Good Ol' Days

I start this post around 5:30am as I soak in a tub full of hot water, Epsom salt, and a variety of essential oils to help facilitate my ability to walk today. It wouldn't be so bad if  leg day was not upon me again, but it is and I intend to participate fully.

This will be day 2 with D.F.C. and again, I'm excited. I think part of me is just happy to have broken the stagnant stage of doing nothing to doing something and the other part of me is excited because I love the people I train with. The internal push hasn't changed. When they see you struggling, they help you push through. For me, right about now that is key. There was a time not too long ago in which all I needed was my music banging in my headphones and a goal. It didn't really matter who though what, or who supported...I was my own motivation.  Not so much these days. My decreased abilities due to my long separation from any physical activity has me feeling like a true newbie. I hate that term.

How I long for the good ol' days (which was actually about 7 months ago-lol). But still, my drive was ridiculous, there was nothing that I could not or would not attempt, I had a ton of endurance, and I was strong as hell! I truly miss those times and I have a ton of WORK!!! to do to recapture them. 

As I see it, I have to re-establish a few things:

1. Balance- I noticed that my overall balance has taken a few steps backwards so, during my down time I will be working on balance and stability. 

2. Pace- To rush through a set is not allowing your targeted muscle groups the full benefit of the movement. I found myself trying to rush through the set versus taking additional time to really hit what I'm trying to hit. 

3. Focus- I have to find a way to focus on the task at hand. My mind tends to wander which negatively impacts my breathing and overall concentration on what I'm doing. This also has an impact on my pace.

4. Fun- Although I LOVE lifting and fitness, at this stage it is truly hard WORK!!! and therefore not as much fun as I know it can be. So, I have to chill on pressuring myself just have some fun with it. 

Overall, reclaiming what is mine is ultimately up to me. I will get there. I can see it, which makes it possible and I believe it and therefore it's done (R. Kelly is in there somewhere-lol)! So, I be patient with myself and fight to make my way back to this good ol' days... In fact, I intend to be better than I was then! Turn my old highs in fitness upside down and create a smarter, leaner, and stronger version of me (wink, wink)! It's never to late to re-invent yourself. 

-me

Grief, Shame, Love, & JOURNEY REIGNIGHTED

A There is a lot to be said about grief. It has a way of breaking you down to levels you never knew existed. It will have you put all the things and people you love, far in the background. I LOVE FITNESS!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING FIT!!! I LOVE THE PEOPLE, THE PAIN, THE CHALLENGES, THE GAINS, AND THE GLORY!!! But grief has kept me away from all that for quite some time. As a result; I've gained 55lbs, have developed insomnia, and have used my asthma pump more in the ladt 2 months than I have since I was 17.

Once you have been out of the fitness loop and the habits of healthy eating and working out everyday are replaced with eating whatever and not leaving the house...there are consequences. Over the last 6 months, There was not a day that went by that I didn't think about being in the gym, but I had other priorities and responsibilities. Over the last 6 weeks, there was nothing stopping me from getting to the gym, except grief. 

Within the last month, I have been asked "when are you coming back?" I always knew I would return but I didn't want to return until I got my cardio up and shed a few pounds. I was now letting some keep me from the people and things that I love. Shame is something different than grief. Something that I have very little experience with because I try to do the right things all the time; no matter what. So on last Friday, I received a call from 3rèFit. He ended up sharing some things with me that had me  crying like a baby; although I know that was not his intention. By the end of that conversation I felt confident to return on Monday (yesterday). 

A workout that I would have killed in the past kicked every inch of my a$$! BUT I STILL LOVE IT! Being back in the gym felt GREAT! Being back with the CREW was AMAZING! Getting through that first workout was LIBERATING. 

Grief is something that one experiences when they lose someone or something that is important to them. After the loss, the love that you have for that person doesn't end, but the are no longer around for you to show them that love. The love has no immediate way to be channeled and grief sets in. For me, I had to make a decision to channel that grief/love in a way that would honor my mom and help me to get back to living life. I still cry, have some anger, and miss my mom in ways no one will ever understand. However, all that LOVE will be channeled in ways that will help me resume the awesome life and people that I have been blessed with. I'm almost positive my mom would approve.

So, I reignite my journey. Haha, JOURNEY REIGNITED. 

~Kim